Sometimes I get this feeling like nothing is going to be ok at all and at the end of the month everything is going to come crashing down and force me to regress back 6 months. Only this time I'll have already given up a lot of things...like time and money and resources. Yes, I'm very young but I cant tell you how many times I hear people tell me to enjoy it while it lasts because time will eventually catch up with me. I don't want to reach that day where it's obvious that I'm past my expiration date yet I haven't achieved anything of value. I'm 21 and already panicking about the midlife crisis I'm not supposed to reach for another 15 to 20 years. But how can I even have a midlife crisis if I don't ever have a life?
It's funny what thoughts go through your head when you spend your days wondering whether you'll be able to pay rent next month.
Other times I feel really happy with my life. I have amazing friends that continue to inspire and fulfill me every day and I'm finally free (ish) of my parents divorce drama... At least in the sense that I'm not in the middle of it every day. It continues to affect me but I can choose when I let myself handle their issues and when I don't. Moving out was a huge step that allowed me to take control of my life and not let myself be pushed around by every lemon life decided to throw at me. I suppose now I need to figure out where I want to go, now that I'm in control. That's never been a problem for me, all I ever struggle with is gaining the control, never not knowing what to do with it.
Colin and I saw zombieland the other day, and to my surprise it was pretty fantastic. One of the most important things I took from it was the idea that you should enjoy the little things in life. In one scene woody harrelson and co end up totally destructing everything in this abandoned gift shop...bookcases knocked over, broken glass everywhere and they were totally content and happy. I remember that scene (and bill Murray) more than any other. It honestly looked like SO much fun I almost wanted to run out of the theater, find the most delicate shop in the whole mall and go around and smash things till my hearts content. Of course, this is 2009 and NOT zombieland, so I kept my composure and civility. I don't need grand gestures, expensive jewelery or fancy things in order to be happy. I think that's what has always been missing in my family and I hope whatever is around the riverbend brings an enjoyment of the little things in life.
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I think your great, and have always thought you have a lot to offer the world. We all go through trouble. What's important is how we make our decisions and how we deal with the trouble. Sometimes we just don't know what to do, and we lack guidance, that is my problem. I know how it feels to be alone and confused. My pain never goes away, and every day it hurts. Life for me has always been hard, and I can't help it. Although, I can accept it, and be content with how I was wired. I can be happy with what I have-- my path and purpose; it makes accepting my pain easier. It's like accepting yourself for your confusion. It's like saying it's ok to be wrong, and even if it doesn't feel good we need to learn from every passing moment even if we don't understand it yet.
ReplyDeleteYour boy,
Kevin K.
i didnt see this till just now, thank you so much. I still need to learn how to be okay with being wrong, i'm working on it. I'd rather just be right! haha
ReplyDeletethanks again though, your words are really helpful.