numero uno...

I used to blog a lot. I had (still have) an account on livejournal, the same one I've had since 14 or 15. I wrote in it religiously, not always because I had anything important to say but because I just, well, did. I used it as a way to express how I was feeling in a shallow way. I saved my deep, dark secrets for the paper journals I wrote in before I went to bed. Between the two avenues I managed to escape lasting damage from the dramatic, terrible walls of high school. In a world as small as 2500 fellow students, a few memorable teachers and coaches and scattered parents, minutia to the real world became huge, epic "situations", as my friend Caroline likes to say. I like to think that verbally unloading the silly and sometimes very upsetting and not so silly parts of my day onto a keyboard or paper helped process it through my head and eventually helped me grow out of that stage. Who really knows.
I do know that around 17 or 18 my blog/journal entries became much more infrequent...I suppose something about entering the real world turned what should have always been minutia back into that state in my head and writing about the minor details of my day seemed quite unimportant, so unimportant that I probably didn't even have time for it. I honestly don't remember the details of how this happened.
Fast forward to 2009. I turned 21 last week, and although I don't usually put too much important or emphasis on age (just ask my ex boyfriend, we're 12 years apart and were together for almost 3 years), for some reason this birthday has got me thinking very hard. For the last 3 years I've had something to do, something very important. School was my #1 priority, and although it still is, I have the entire next year to do whatever I want. No deadlines, no steady job, I'm taking one class starting a month from now (I'll explain why later) and for the first time in a while, I feel lost.
I know there are many things contributing to this. I spent the last 2 years on a whirlwind academic schedule, culminating with this spring semester consisting of 17 units, all A's and B's, including a math class, something I consider myself quite inept at. Nobody thought I could cram most of my general ed requirements into one year, but with a little dedication, I have proved that it can be done. I finished spring semester in mid-June and on July 6th, after 2 weeks of 8 am to 1 pm astronomy and italian classes, I left for a month long study abroad in Italy. Italy was one of the most incredible, life changing experiences I have ever had, and I miss it terribly. I'll write more about that later too. I came home a couple of weeks ago, moved into a new apartment and discovered that the waitressing job I was promised shifts at suddenly cut me back to 2 shifts a week. No bueno. My mother is an angel dressed as a beautiful human being hailing from Britain and is helping with this situation, but it is not in my nature to enjoy or accept that for too long. Time to get a job.
For some reason I feel myself slipping away, like the exciting, driven person I once was, the person fresh with new ideas and knowledge on many subjects is hiding, and this one who just watches and observes has replaced her. I did a lot of observing in Italy, not only because Florence was a new place with new things to see and do, but because of the social situation I was in. I came with 3 of my closest friends: Austin, Sasha, and Caroline. Austin and Sasha are sisters, Austin is 22, Sasha is 20 and Caroline is also 22. We lived together with 2 other sisters, Blaise and Jessica (truly darling girls, I miss them) on the 4th floor of a walk up. Walking is the name of the game in Florence, if you can't do it, you're pretty much fucked, and yes that is the technical term.
The reason I bring up the social situation though, is because for the first time I found myself on my own with these girls with me 24/7. No parents to report to, no obligations other than our classes, which were pretty easy, just us. I've never lived with other people my age, never mind to say with my best friends. Although exciting and fantastic, I quickly learned that to avoid drama I needed to keep my mouth shut. So instead of saying exactly how I felt when I felt it, something I normally did at home on a regular basis and was thanked for it, I learned to keep my mouth shut unless it was absolutely necessary. In LA we all have our bubbles that we can go to, de-stress, relax and recharge for the rest of our lives. Forget just our homes, we all have this amazing thing called personal space that allows us to feel like we're ourselves and nobody else is breathing down our neck 24/7. Europe hasn't quite mastered this idea. For 3 girls who haven't grown up without personal space (Caroline is from France, I'm pretty sure she understands europe a little better than us), it was unusual to find ourselves on top of each other on a daily, hourly basis. In this situation you learn very quickly how not to be annoyed when someones cooking something that doesn't smell good, or when someone's cooking something that smells really great that you're allergic to, or because someone is sleeping and you have to tiptoe around them at 5 in the afternoon. Its just life.
That brings me to a sort of revelation I had earlier today....although we should look at the big picture most of the time when making decisions and judging things, most of the time the things that get you through the day and give you fuel for the next one are the little things. That's why my blog is called "le cose della vita", or "the things of life". I thought about calling it just "the little things in life" but its not always the little things, there are big things that happen too that deserve importance as well.

Once incident in Italy has been pushing itself to the front of my mind for a few days now, and maybe I'll understand it better when I put it to words. Most of the time in Italy I was fine, happy and excited but one day I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (literally) and it was just the precursor I needed for my already sometimes painful astronomy lecture. Professor Fouts was talking about phases of the moon, and for some reason needed to use the term "pacman" to describe how a gibbous moon looks. My close friends know why a reference to pacman would stir an emotional response in me, I wont discuss why here but for the sake of the story, I'll just say that the shape relates to a very painful experience I went through recently. Anyway, as my professor was going on about pacman and the moon I started feeling really upset and spent the next 10 minutes or so fighting back the urge to cry or run out of the room, or both. Austin, who deserves the title of best friend in every sense of the word, missed class that morning but made it to our later class, missing the mornings pacman reference. I spent the rest of astronomy class and our break doing a really good job, or so I thought, of covering up how upset I was and just generally acting normal. Skip to Italian class, Austin walks in, sits down in front of me, turns around and goes "Alison, what's wrong? I can tell you aren't feeling well AT ALL, you should skip this and go home or something". Surprised, I asked her how she could tell, because like I said, I thought I had been doing a good job of being "fine". She then told me that my eyes change color and intensity when I'm upset, despite the expression on my face. Austin is the only person I know who would notice something like that, and even further, know exactly what to say or do to fix the problem.
This kind of love and support was rife throughout my time in Italy, not just between me and my close friends but through the whole group. I have never met such a fantastic, beautiful bunch of people in such a positive environment before. Being back in LA has made me feel silly, disconnected and absentminded, which is upsetting because it really is my favorite place in the world, or at least was until I went to Italy. The grass is always greener on the other side, and I always seem to find myself caught on the fence between both sides. Right now I'd give a lot to be back in Italy, but while I was there the thought of starbucks, the pacific ocean and whole foods gave me so much comfort.
Maybe filtering all of these thoughts and feelings through the lens of writing a blog can help me regain the part of me I feel is missing. I kind of can't wait to find out.