This post actually has nothing to do with the song at all. I was just listening to it on the way home and it made me feel really happy/creative and I felt like writing. We all need a little heaven in our lives sometimes....not to sound like a "I can't believe it's not butter!" commercial or anything.
For some reason I keep feeling this pull out into the world. There's no part of humanity I don't want to understand, and maybe through understanding I can heal. I'm not the type to live my life with lofty ambitions and goals and make others feel kinda crappy for not doing the same. You know those kinds of people, the ones who are always supporting some cause or another and could talk your ear off about it for much longer than you can even try and listen, even if you wanted to. The kind of person, who however well meaning can get a little tiring to be around because really, you need to go to work to pay the bills and put food on the table and hopefully enjoy life a little and all that crap. I'm not that person, I'm human. This doesn't mean I don't believe in all the same things, because I do, sometimes more than other times. Last week I stayed home and watched reality TV because my bank account was too low to be outside. I feel like being home all the time stifles my drive, my ambition to be a better person. You can always be a better person, even if you don't stand on street corners and solicit donations to UNICEF every day.
I can't stay at home too long before I feel like I'm going totally nuts and the streets literally pull me out on to them before I can even help it. Today was one of those days. I was at home for half an hour, and then I was literally among people all day.
The ins and outs of my day isn't my point either though. Every once in a while I get a flurry of ambition and inspiration, and today it came in the form of Invictus. I feel like it totally aligned with the involuntary desire I have to be among people and learning and moving forward. I'm not the next nelson mandela, although right now I feel like I want to be...but maybe I could be the next captain of a rugby team that believed in something bigger than just himself and his team. The ripple effect, you know? Our problems aren't just in South Africa or India or Northern Ireland....they're right here at home. Lead by example...maybe by being a strong person and dealing with everything that comes my way I can influence the life of one other person, may it be a friend or a stranger. In the end it doesn't cost you anything to be a good person. It might seem tough at the time to do the right thing, whether its giving $5 to the homeless man across the street or smiling at a stranger, even if inside you're hurting but all energy in this universe is finite, and no matter what, the good you put out will come back to you. Not that we should strive to be better for selfish reasons, but its good motivation nonetheless.
Nelson Mandela was genius for supporting the springbox (sp?) rugby team. He's right, we are never going to move forward and progress if we turn around and take away the rights of those who took away ours. Karma always rights things- although the afrikaans were defeated by Mandela's party at first (punishment), his success ended up making the world a better place and uniting a country that had been divided for so long, thanks to NOT getting rid of the rugby team supported by white people that had imprisoned blacks for many years and hated by every black person in South Africa. For example, just because your friend stole your boyfriend doesn't mean you have to turn around and steal hers. She'll turn right back and steal your next one again, and fighting never ceases.
If I can help just a small classroom full of people understand this maybe we can get somewhere.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
sleeping pill induced ramblings
Its amazing how we can forget to think before we speak or act. The other day I was having very firm thoughts about how I think its selfish for people to live in LA and not drive. Anybody who wants to see them is forced to go out of their way to pick them up, come to their neck of the woods, accomodate them, simply because they "choose" not to drive. And if its not a choice, then its probably because of something stupid they did, like getting too many DUI's. I dated a guy like that once, it was annoying. Then I thought of this one person I know who doesn't drive because she just doesn't have a car and how she never makes people go out of their way or forces them to do anything just because SHE doesn't have a car. When she really needs a ride she's always accomodating and helpful. Now I feel silly for making such a general statement.
I love the smell of candles. Its a wonder that I don't own more, considering I love them so much. I once left a candle burning all night and it burned 2/3 of the candle, I was so disappointed. It smelled like gardenas, but now I dont burn that candle because it smells amazing and I don't want it to run out. I bought a candle last week that was supposed to smell like vanilla, but when I burn it I cant smell anything, its really upsetting.
You know that song golddigger by kanye west and jamie foxx? I feel like its really unbalanced. Kanye has an uber cool part, he does the rapping and the lyrics and stuff, and jamie foxx is in the background going "she takes my money, when i'm in need, yeah shes a golddigger" the ENTIRE song. Its almost annoying to listen to...I mean, if I were jamie foxx i'd be bored and irritated out of my mind with that part. Maybe because I'm just used to playing the melodic, front part of everything. But seriously, thats not annoying?
How do friends enter and exit our lives like they do? A year ago we had just began an amazing friendship, and today she's nothing but a conversation topic that we complain about. How do two people have such a quick, deep relationship and then both just drop it without any further questions? It makes me wonder what was really going on all along. Was she always fake? If not, then when and why did the flip happen? This is why I hate being friends with girls. Little things make them so sensitive...men, however, are simple. Feed them, pet them a little and be un-complicated yourself and you usually don't run into problems. Except when they dont think with their heads, but you can find a way around that obstacle too. Women are wired differently, we're literally thinking about 7 different things at once, and we're able to give each thing full attention and analysis without compromising the other. Men look into the fridge, dont immediately see what they're looking for and assume that it isnt there, even when it really is, its just hiding behind the milk.
I like reggae music. I have a VERY limited collection outide of bob marley, but every time I hear it I just want to be on a tropical island with a native man playing some bongos and drinking a pina colada. I mean, i dont want to be "with" the native man, I just want to hear the bongos playing. I'm happy with my boyfriend. I think we'd have a good time on a tropical island, it suits our mutual desires for relaxation and massages. Massages are like the best things on earth. Yes, I just said "like". Anyway, reggae music makes me happy even when skies are grey and im stuck in the car very far away from a tropical island. Especially bob marley.
I've always thought Hugh Grant was sexy, especially when I was like 14. He was british and attractive and always made me laugh. Seeing him on letterman tonight was a wake up call- I still find him sexy, but he's no longer superhuman, he seems like an uptight brit who spent too many winters in scotland just like my mother spent summers in ireland and just like the type of guy i'd be attracted to in a swanky london pub. Someone take me back to england, please.
Speaking of england, my mom is from england but lived in japan for a while when she was my age/younger. I could never live in asia. too many asians driving and fish verywhere. It would be like the outside of a sushi restaurant overload...i'm travel friendly but I have a strange phobia of going to an asian country, just like I have a strange phobia of spiders, loud noises and ugly looking seafood like shrimp, crab and lobster.
I love the smell of candles. Its a wonder that I don't own more, considering I love them so much. I once left a candle burning all night and it burned 2/3 of the candle, I was so disappointed. It smelled like gardenas, but now I dont burn that candle because it smells amazing and I don't want it to run out. I bought a candle last week that was supposed to smell like vanilla, but when I burn it I cant smell anything, its really upsetting.
You know that song golddigger by kanye west and jamie foxx? I feel like its really unbalanced. Kanye has an uber cool part, he does the rapping and the lyrics and stuff, and jamie foxx is in the background going "she takes my money, when i'm in need, yeah shes a golddigger" the ENTIRE song. Its almost annoying to listen to...I mean, if I were jamie foxx i'd be bored and irritated out of my mind with that part. Maybe because I'm just used to playing the melodic, front part of everything. But seriously, thats not annoying?
How do friends enter and exit our lives like they do? A year ago we had just began an amazing friendship, and today she's nothing but a conversation topic that we complain about. How do two people have such a quick, deep relationship and then both just drop it without any further questions? It makes me wonder what was really going on all along. Was she always fake? If not, then when and why did the flip happen? This is why I hate being friends with girls. Little things make them so sensitive...men, however, are simple. Feed them, pet them a little and be un-complicated yourself and you usually don't run into problems. Except when they dont think with their heads, but you can find a way around that obstacle too. Women are wired differently, we're literally thinking about 7 different things at once, and we're able to give each thing full attention and analysis without compromising the other. Men look into the fridge, dont immediately see what they're looking for and assume that it isnt there, even when it really is, its just hiding behind the milk.
I like reggae music. I have a VERY limited collection outide of bob marley, but every time I hear it I just want to be on a tropical island with a native man playing some bongos and drinking a pina colada. I mean, i dont want to be "with" the native man, I just want to hear the bongos playing. I'm happy with my boyfriend. I think we'd have a good time on a tropical island, it suits our mutual desires for relaxation and massages. Massages are like the best things on earth. Yes, I just said "like". Anyway, reggae music makes me happy even when skies are grey and im stuck in the car very far away from a tropical island. Especially bob marley.
I've always thought Hugh Grant was sexy, especially when I was like 14. He was british and attractive and always made me laugh. Seeing him on letterman tonight was a wake up call- I still find him sexy, but he's no longer superhuman, he seems like an uptight brit who spent too many winters in scotland just like my mother spent summers in ireland and just like the type of guy i'd be attracted to in a swanky london pub. Someone take me back to england, please.
Speaking of england, my mom is from england but lived in japan for a while when she was my age/younger. I could never live in asia. too many asians driving and fish verywhere. It would be like the outside of a sushi restaurant overload...i'm travel friendly but I have a strange phobia of going to an asian country, just like I have a strange phobia of spiders, loud noises and ugly looking seafood like shrimp, crab and lobster.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
where were they going without ever knowing the way?
I've been thinking a lot about the idea of potential lately. I was recently talking with someone about how I've been told since I was in elementary school that I never live up to my potential. For years I've been buying into that same idea that I'm just a case of failed potential, and I've always been optimistic about being able to change that. Time has gone by though, probably enough since high school and the "sheltered years", for me to be able to do something with my life that involves NOT failing to live up to my potential...you know, the kind of thing that looks good on a job resume or what they'll write about in your biography if you ever become important enough to become famous.
(Sidenote- I fully understand that the terms "important" and "famous" are no longer directly proportional or logically related in any way, but I like to organize my mind and whatever I write about in ways that make sense and do not boggle the mind the way the existence of Spencer and Heidi do.)
Anyway, maybe its just impatience or insecurity but I feel like I should have achieved something along these lines already. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have the capability to do something amazing or whether its just an oasis full of childhood lessons about self esteem deluding my mind into thinking that I have that capacity. My generation was taught that we can achieve ANYTHING, if we just get good grades and get a college education, ect ect ect, blah blah blah....
I know tons of people, both with college degrees and without who are in various states of employment. I know someone with a masters degree from London who couldn't find a job anywhere and I know people without any college education to speak of with more money than they know what to do with. (LA is full of those, something about the beach and wide open spaces attracts the trust fund bunch).
Some days I feel like the goals I have set for myself are completely reachable and attainable and perfectly suited to my personality and strengths, and other times I feel like I've set the bar too low, that I should be setting my sights on world domination instead of just domination of the 12th grade history classroom. And on bad days I feel like I'm doomed to serve out my life sentence waiting tables and feeling like both time and society have passed me by. Usually those days occur when my bank account is under $100 and payday seems too far away to fathom the existence of.
Its a really unsettling feeling to have no clue in the world what your life will look like a year from now. I blame my parents, and their parents (especially my paternal grandfather- what good are you managing Charlie Chaplin and Vivien Leigh and parading around hollywood like you're important in 1935 if you cant get me anywhere now, huh?!) for this. Not my great grandparents though, on either side, they were hardworking and diligent and created a secure future for their children. Edmund Burke talks about the social contract between generations and how each generation owes it both to the one previous to finish the hard work they started and to the next one to create a lasting, secure future. I love this and wish I felt like my life in some way could be a testament to this, but when my parents (of two different generations themselves) were either too busy protesting the war in vietnam or parading around the eighties like life was one huge party, it creates double the duty for me.
Or...maybe my bank account is just under $100 today.
(Sidenote- I fully understand that the terms "important" and "famous" are no longer directly proportional or logically related in any way, but I like to organize my mind and whatever I write about in ways that make sense and do not boggle the mind the way the existence of Spencer and Heidi do.)
Anyway, maybe its just impatience or insecurity but I feel like I should have achieved something along these lines already. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have the capability to do something amazing or whether its just an oasis full of childhood lessons about self esteem deluding my mind into thinking that I have that capacity. My generation was taught that we can achieve ANYTHING, if we just get good grades and get a college education, ect ect ect, blah blah blah....
I know tons of people, both with college degrees and without who are in various states of employment. I know someone with a masters degree from London who couldn't find a job anywhere and I know people without any college education to speak of with more money than they know what to do with. (LA is full of those, something about the beach and wide open spaces attracts the trust fund bunch).
Some days I feel like the goals I have set for myself are completely reachable and attainable and perfectly suited to my personality and strengths, and other times I feel like I've set the bar too low, that I should be setting my sights on world domination instead of just domination of the 12th grade history classroom. And on bad days I feel like I'm doomed to serve out my life sentence waiting tables and feeling like both time and society have passed me by. Usually those days occur when my bank account is under $100 and payday seems too far away to fathom the existence of.
Its a really unsettling feeling to have no clue in the world what your life will look like a year from now. I blame my parents, and their parents (especially my paternal grandfather- what good are you managing Charlie Chaplin and Vivien Leigh and parading around hollywood like you're important in 1935 if you cant get me anywhere now, huh?!) for this. Not my great grandparents though, on either side, they were hardworking and diligent and created a secure future for their children. Edmund Burke talks about the social contract between generations and how each generation owes it both to the one previous to finish the hard work they started and to the next one to create a lasting, secure future. I love this and wish I felt like my life in some way could be a testament to this, but when my parents (of two different generations themselves) were either too busy protesting the war in vietnam or parading around the eighties like life was one huge party, it creates double the duty for me.
Or...maybe my bank account is just under $100 today.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Rollin...Rollin on the river...
Sometimes I get this feeling like nothing is going to be ok at all and at the end of the month everything is going to come crashing down and force me to regress back 6 months. Only this time I'll have already given up a lot of things...like time and money and resources. Yes, I'm very young but I cant tell you how many times I hear people tell me to enjoy it while it lasts because time will eventually catch up with me. I don't want to reach that day where it's obvious that I'm past my expiration date yet I haven't achieved anything of value. I'm 21 and already panicking about the midlife crisis I'm not supposed to reach for another 15 to 20 years. But how can I even have a midlife crisis if I don't ever have a life?
It's funny what thoughts go through your head when you spend your days wondering whether you'll be able to pay rent next month.
Other times I feel really happy with my life. I have amazing friends that continue to inspire and fulfill me every day and I'm finally free (ish) of my parents divorce drama... At least in the sense that I'm not in the middle of it every day. It continues to affect me but I can choose when I let myself handle their issues and when I don't. Moving out was a huge step that allowed me to take control of my life and not let myself be pushed around by every lemon life decided to throw at me. I suppose now I need to figure out where I want to go, now that I'm in control. That's never been a problem for me, all I ever struggle with is gaining the control, never not knowing what to do with it.
Colin and I saw zombieland the other day, and to my surprise it was pretty fantastic. One of the most important things I took from it was the idea that you should enjoy the little things in life. In one scene woody harrelson and co end up totally destructing everything in this abandoned gift shop...bookcases knocked over, broken glass everywhere and they were totally content and happy. I remember that scene (and bill Murray) more than any other. It honestly looked like SO much fun I almost wanted to run out of the theater, find the most delicate shop in the whole mall and go around and smash things till my hearts content. Of course, this is 2009 and NOT zombieland, so I kept my composure and civility. I don't need grand gestures, expensive jewelery or fancy things in order to be happy. I think that's what has always been missing in my family and I hope whatever is around the riverbend brings an enjoyment of the little things in life.
It's funny what thoughts go through your head when you spend your days wondering whether you'll be able to pay rent next month.
Other times I feel really happy with my life. I have amazing friends that continue to inspire and fulfill me every day and I'm finally free (ish) of my parents divorce drama... At least in the sense that I'm not in the middle of it every day. It continues to affect me but I can choose when I let myself handle their issues and when I don't. Moving out was a huge step that allowed me to take control of my life and not let myself be pushed around by every lemon life decided to throw at me. I suppose now I need to figure out where I want to go, now that I'm in control. That's never been a problem for me, all I ever struggle with is gaining the control, never not knowing what to do with it.
Colin and I saw zombieland the other day, and to my surprise it was pretty fantastic. One of the most important things I took from it was the idea that you should enjoy the little things in life. In one scene woody harrelson and co end up totally destructing everything in this abandoned gift shop...bookcases knocked over, broken glass everywhere and they were totally content and happy. I remember that scene (and bill Murray) more than any other. It honestly looked like SO much fun I almost wanted to run out of the theater, find the most delicate shop in the whole mall and go around and smash things till my hearts content. Of course, this is 2009 and NOT zombieland, so I kept my composure and civility. I don't need grand gestures, expensive jewelery or fancy things in order to be happy. I think that's what has always been missing in my family and I hope whatever is around the riverbend brings an enjoyment of the little things in life.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
im going home
While I was in Italy my dad emailed me and told me about how he and my brother watched a dvd of Michael Bublé live in concert at Madison Square Garden and how he wanted me to see it, as I've been a fan of the singer since I was 16. I finally ended up borrowing the DVD the other night and have been watching snippets of it over the last couple of days...although I've always loved his versions of those beautiful standards he's famous for singing, I never realized that he could be so good in concert. His charisma and thirst for progress and and perfection lights up the whole arena like a chandelier on the Titanic. I loved every song I saw but when he did the song "Home", I nearly broke down in tears. Every word described how I felt this summer....here are the lyrics:
Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm
May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me
Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home
What is it about certain music that makes our hearts ache and our minds long for love? I stopped longing for love a while ago...I lost my idealism and faith in the idea that someone as young as I could truly fall in love. I thought love was for getting married and having babies, otherwise it only seemed to serve breaking hearts and tearing lives apart, because it never lasts, right?
Lately my feelings on the subject have been changing. I'm not sure whether its because I'm done mourning losing the love I once had or because age and maturity, and little things like a beautiful song by Michael Bublé are showing me that love is beautiful no matter where or when it is. I hope the next time love enters my life it is true and healthy, not the confused needy love I ended up experiencing before. I feel like I might be open to the possibility of wanting to come home to someone who's truly in love with me again sometime soon. We'll see what happens.
Once again, I digress. This seems to be the theme of much of my writing. Yes, the song made me wonder about love, but it also felt like it spoke volumes about the travels I've had in the last year or so, but mostly this summer. Simple lines about what I'd been doing, or the "hey baby, how are you"'s didn't feel like enough. Paris and Rome will always be Paris and Rome, and I truly adore Italy, but I really did feel like I was watching my life from the outside. "And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life", like I didn't quite feel that I was truly living it, because it would end soon. The moment that plane started hovering above LAX I felt like I was stepping back into the room where my life took place, back to the people and the familiar places that are literally part of every inch of my soul. I missed my parents, my brother, that guy, my friends, even the 405 freeway. I missed how the ocean fills in the gap in land between the Palos Verdes peninsula and Point Dume and I missed how southern California catches on fire every fall.
Here's to home, love, life and the beauty that is found in every little crevice of humanity.
Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm
May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me
Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home
What is it about certain music that makes our hearts ache and our minds long for love? I stopped longing for love a while ago...I lost my idealism and faith in the idea that someone as young as I could truly fall in love. I thought love was for getting married and having babies, otherwise it only seemed to serve breaking hearts and tearing lives apart, because it never lasts, right?
Lately my feelings on the subject have been changing. I'm not sure whether its because I'm done mourning losing the love I once had or because age and maturity, and little things like a beautiful song by Michael Bublé are showing me that love is beautiful no matter where or when it is. I hope the next time love enters my life it is true and healthy, not the confused needy love I ended up experiencing before. I feel like I might be open to the possibility of wanting to come home to someone who's truly in love with me again sometime soon. We'll see what happens.
Once again, I digress. This seems to be the theme of much of my writing. Yes, the song made me wonder about love, but it also felt like it spoke volumes about the travels I've had in the last year or so, but mostly this summer. Simple lines about what I'd been doing, or the "hey baby, how are you"'s didn't feel like enough. Paris and Rome will always be Paris and Rome, and I truly adore Italy, but I really did feel like I was watching my life from the outside. "And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life", like I didn't quite feel that I was truly living it, because it would end soon. The moment that plane started hovering above LAX I felt like I was stepping back into the room where my life took place, back to the people and the familiar places that are literally part of every inch of my soul. I missed my parents, my brother, that guy, my friends, even the 405 freeway. I missed how the ocean fills in the gap in land between the Palos Verdes peninsula and Point Dume and I missed how southern California catches on fire every fall.
Here's to home, love, life and the beauty that is found in every little crevice of humanity.
Monday, August 31, 2009
tool academy
I was really unproductive today. Apart from my 11 am acupuncture appointment I've literally sat in my apartment all day, and the whole time I was kicking myself for sitting on the couch, watching TV and eating goldfish. Yes, goldfish, that yummy snack reminiscent of 8th grade. Thus is the life of a college student sometimes, I suppose. I spend so much time trying to be the best person I can be and today did not reflect that at all.
I didn't even change the channel once. The tv was still on VH1, the same channel I was watching after I got home from work on saturday night. I started with the show "Tool Academy", moved on to "My Antonio" then abandoned ship by the time "Celebrity Feuds" or whatever its called came on. I literally watched more trashy TV today than I have in the last year combined. What I find upsetting though, is that there are actually people who follow this religiously, have those shows programmed on their DVR and can discuss the intimate details of the lives of the people on reality shows. "Reality". Does a large portion of the population really believe that these shows reflect true life?
Take "Tool Academy" for example. What could have possibly attracted those girls to such... tools, in the first place? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! To get to the point where their girlfriends have to drag them all the way to a reality tv show to fix awful boyfriends clearly these guys are not on their first, second, or even third offense. What self respecting girl would give a guy who fucked up so much any more chances? I'm not talking little offenses either, like leaving the toilet seat up or checking out another girls rack once in a while. One girl caught her boyfriend in bed with another girl, had him lie to her, and stayed with him, only to bring him to tool academy a year and a half later after still not being over it!
Some guys issues go beyond general douchebaggery, one guy clearly had self image and self esteem issues beyond the norm to the point where it seemed like it would cause anxiety attacks. His poor girlfriend, although upset and frustrated with him, saw him flip a shit after being eliminated and just gently tried to calm him down and get him to leave quietly without standing up for herself. I literally saw the first month or so of my relationship with sean flash across the television screen and it totally sent me for a loop. I really hope that girl finds the strength to understand that she cant fix him or be his reason for getting up in the morning and ends up being able to move on with her life.
I digress though. My point is that I'm a little upset that this is how american life is being portrayed on TV... I dont think that those TV shows reflect the American life I have, but then again I do live in west los angeles, aka a bubble. I really hope my bubble doesn't pop, I don't want to end up dragging my own boyfriend to the "Tool Academy" 5 years from now.
I didn't even change the channel once. The tv was still on VH1, the same channel I was watching after I got home from work on saturday night. I started with the show "Tool Academy", moved on to "My Antonio" then abandoned ship by the time "Celebrity Feuds" or whatever its called came on. I literally watched more trashy TV today than I have in the last year combined. What I find upsetting though, is that there are actually people who follow this religiously, have those shows programmed on their DVR and can discuss the intimate details of the lives of the people on reality shows. "Reality". Does a large portion of the population really believe that these shows reflect true life?
Take "Tool Academy" for example. What could have possibly attracted those girls to such... tools, in the first place? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! To get to the point where their girlfriends have to drag them all the way to a reality tv show to fix awful boyfriends clearly these guys are not on their first, second, or even third offense. What self respecting girl would give a guy who fucked up so much any more chances? I'm not talking little offenses either, like leaving the toilet seat up or checking out another girls rack once in a while. One girl caught her boyfriend in bed with another girl, had him lie to her, and stayed with him, only to bring him to tool academy a year and a half later after still not being over it!
Some guys issues go beyond general douchebaggery, one guy clearly had self image and self esteem issues beyond the norm to the point where it seemed like it would cause anxiety attacks. His poor girlfriend, although upset and frustrated with him, saw him flip a shit after being eliminated and just gently tried to calm him down and get him to leave quietly without standing up for herself. I literally saw the first month or so of my relationship with sean flash across the television screen and it totally sent me for a loop. I really hope that girl finds the strength to understand that she cant fix him or be his reason for getting up in the morning and ends up being able to move on with her life.
I digress though. My point is that I'm a little upset that this is how american life is being portrayed on TV... I dont think that those TV shows reflect the American life I have, but then again I do live in west los angeles, aka a bubble. I really hope my bubble doesn't pop, I don't want to end up dragging my own boyfriend to the "Tool Academy" 5 years from now.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
humanity
Why do we spend so much time trying to better ourselves? It is the nature of humankind to be imperfect, I am a strong believer in this. So whats the point?
Today I saw a good person do a bad thing and it made me angry. I don't normally get angry...its a feeling I can't stand and I generally avoid it. I understand now why this person decided it was okay to hurt my feelings but at the time it made me yell, throw things and punch on the gas in my car much too hard. I guess you could say I had the equivalent of a three year olds temper tantrum.
I spend a huge part of my day trying to do the right thing, be the best person I can be and make a positive impact on the people and places around me. Why then, are good people influenced to settle for making wrong choices and treating others like crap, especially when they seem like they might finally be on the right road?
This situation is complicated and confusing. People have spent thousands of years trying to figure out human nature, and every theory under the sun has been posited.
When you boil down to it, human beings are imperfect, both physically and mentally. If we were perfect we'd be robots, and clearly we have not achieved this yet. Personally, I think that would be quite boring.
As a kid, you easily sort people into two categories, the bad guys and the good guys. You always consider yourself one of the good guys. Its always Optimus Prime vs Megatron or Harry Potter vs Voldemort and you always identify with O.P. or H.P., no matter what. Growing older makes you see things more in gray and less in black and white, which is why we constantly find ourselves longing for better days gone by. Most of the time the gray area in my life and I get along pretty well, I understand that its there and that one day I might understand it and it usually keeps to itself and tries to not be too annoying. Today the gray area and I got into a fight. Is he still a good guy? Yes. Did he hurt my feelings? Yes.
The reason I'm not still throwing inanimate objects at my wall or car window is because I realize that sometimes there is no clear easy way out of his situation, and he's stuck between a rock and a hard place and in his brain, I'm the one who its easier to hurt. It sucks, but that's life. You cant always have daisies and roses and sunshine (although LA's weather today seems to be making a good case for the argument that you definitely can) but if you keep your wits about you, you can learn to be okay with this fact, and enjoy the times when there ARE those wonderful things around you.
I guess the general goal of humankind is to achieve the perfection we lack and annoying situations like today are stepping stones on the path to this goal. Two steps forward, one step back.
I hope this wasn't a bunch of gibberish...I hardly ever edit what I write, so things can sometimes come out slightly jumbled. Lets hope tomorrow brings more clarity.
Today I saw a good person do a bad thing and it made me angry. I don't normally get angry...its a feeling I can't stand and I generally avoid it. I understand now why this person decided it was okay to hurt my feelings but at the time it made me yell, throw things and punch on the gas in my car much too hard. I guess you could say I had the equivalent of a three year olds temper tantrum.
I spend a huge part of my day trying to do the right thing, be the best person I can be and make a positive impact on the people and places around me. Why then, are good people influenced to settle for making wrong choices and treating others like crap, especially when they seem like they might finally be on the right road?
This situation is complicated and confusing. People have spent thousands of years trying to figure out human nature, and every theory under the sun has been posited.
When you boil down to it, human beings are imperfect, both physically and mentally. If we were perfect we'd be robots, and clearly we have not achieved this yet. Personally, I think that would be quite boring.
As a kid, you easily sort people into two categories, the bad guys and the good guys. You always consider yourself one of the good guys. Its always Optimus Prime vs Megatron or Harry Potter vs Voldemort and you always identify with O.P. or H.P., no matter what. Growing older makes you see things more in gray and less in black and white, which is why we constantly find ourselves longing for better days gone by. Most of the time the gray area in my life and I get along pretty well, I understand that its there and that one day I might understand it and it usually keeps to itself and tries to not be too annoying. Today the gray area and I got into a fight. Is he still a good guy? Yes. Did he hurt my feelings? Yes.
The reason I'm not still throwing inanimate objects at my wall or car window is because I realize that sometimes there is no clear easy way out of his situation, and he's stuck between a rock and a hard place and in his brain, I'm the one who its easier to hurt. It sucks, but that's life. You cant always have daisies and roses and sunshine (although LA's weather today seems to be making a good case for the argument that you definitely can) but if you keep your wits about you, you can learn to be okay with this fact, and enjoy the times when there ARE those wonderful things around you.
I guess the general goal of humankind is to achieve the perfection we lack and annoying situations like today are stepping stones on the path to this goal. Two steps forward, one step back.
I hope this wasn't a bunch of gibberish...I hardly ever edit what I write, so things can sometimes come out slightly jumbled. Lets hope tomorrow brings more clarity.
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